When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Custard (and Probably Set Something on Fire)

There are two types of people in this world: those who zest lemons while whistling and wearing gingham aprons, and those of us who channel our existential dread into obliterating graham crackers into dust with our bare hands while blasting My Chemical Romance. This lemon custard tart? It’s for us — the emotionally sunburned, the overcaffeinated, the folks who like their desserts sharp enough to bite back.

This tart is sunshine and spite in a buttery, salty, sweet crust. We’re talking graham crackers and pretzels, crushed into oblivion like your ex’s dignity, then drowned in butter and pressed into submission. The filling is silky lemon custard — tart enough to make your jaw clench, sweet enough to keep you coming back. It’s what you'd serve at a picnic for ghosts or a book club that secretly plots revenge.

Make it when you're feeling delicate and dangerous. Eat it cold, straight from the tin, while standing in front of the fridge at midnight. Let the citrus sting remind you that you're still alive, baby.

Crust:

• 8 sheets of graham crackers

• 1 cup pretzels

• 6 tbsp melted butter

• 2 tbsp honey

Smash (or be normal and use a food processor) your crackers and pretzels into crumbs. Mix crumbs, sugar, and melted butter until it’s the consistency of wet sand. Press into a tart pan. Bake at 350°F for 8 minutes.

Filling:

• 3 cups heavy cream

• 2 tbsp lemon zest

• 1/4 cup honey

• 2 egg yolks

• 1/3 cup lemon juice

• 1/2 tsp vanilla

• +/- Berries, yellow food coloring

1. Add the heavy cream, lemon zest, and honey to a pot. Bring to a slight simmer, and whisk for 8-10 minutes.

2. Remove from heat. Beat in the egg yolks one at a time, making sure you don’t get scrambled eggs (beat vigorously… that’s what she said).

3. Then add in the lemon juice and vanilla. Optionally, a few drops of yellow food coloring so it really pops.

4. Let the mixture cool (this will help avoid the air bubbles I have in mine) at least 30 minutes, and then add it to the crust.

5. Refrigerate overnight. You can add berries, mint, whatever keeps your will to live afloat. I usually do this after it’s been in the fridge for an hour or so, that way it’s partially set, but you can also wait until it’s time to serve. It’s a soft custard, so the berries will press right in).

6. When serving, top with whipped cream. Or don’t. Your tart, your damage.