Caffeinate me immediately: Possibly-Inappropriate-for-Breakfast Chocolate Swirled Coffee Buns

There are exactly three things keeping me from complete cosmic collapse: coffee, chocolate, and spite. Preferably all before 9 a.m.

Enter: Chocolate Swirled Coffee Buns, a buttery, tender, yeast-risen excuse to mainline your coping mechanisms in pastry form. They're soft. They're swirly. They smell like heaven and regret and that one ex you only text when you’re emotionally unstable and near an espresso machine. You know the one.

These buns are not here to be delicate. They’re not “lightly sweetened” or “subtly flavored.” They are bold. They are loud. They are exactly what you need when you’ve woken up thirty minutes late, your inbox has 47 unread emails, and your dog is barfing in the hallway. Again.

The dough is kissed with instant espresso powder, because we don’t have time for subtlety. We have time for results. The filling? A rich, gooey swirl of melted dark chocolate and brown sugar that smacks you right in the serotonin. They’re like if a cinnamon roll and a mocha had a chaotic love child and then left it in your kitchen to emotionally support you through capitalism.

And look, I don’t always have my life together enough to bake bread before breakfast, but when I do? I eat these warm from the oven with one hand while answering emails with the other and pretending I didn’t just cry into my coffee five minutes ago.

These are buns for the people who run on caffeine and vengeance. For those of us who’ve been holding it together with dry shampoo and unmedicated rage. You deserve a little chocolate in your morning meltdown. You deserve coffee you can chew. You deserve joy swirled into dough and baked until golden.

You deserve these.

(And probably therapy. But let’s start with buns.)